To our viewers and listeners: we have yet to find the researchers we sent into the forest after the initial sighting of Bigfoot. And now, with over four weeks without contact, we fear the worst. After following their tracks up the mountain, we came across notes, research and documentation detailing the use of GreenPlanet Nutrients BackCountry Blend in Bigfoot’s secret garden. In hopes of returning our research team safely to their families, we have decided to release the observation documents to the public; the passages below are some of the excerpts we found scattered deep in the forest of the Pacific Northwest…
Bigfoot’s Secret Garden: Observation Reports
Four documents have been retrieved from the scene; each observation report was written by different a member of the research team. If anyone has any thoughts on the whereabouts, actions, or current location(s) of the missing individuals, please contact our team immediately.
Dr. J. Herer’s Observation
After the initial discovery of Bigfoot, we followed the mysterious beast further and further into the forest. After trudging up hills, down valleys, and across groves of densely forested pine, the Sasquatch finally stopped in a well-lit clearing on the south side of a mountain. He pulled some brush aside and squeezed himself through a narrow passage of fern. On the other side of the passage, the beast revealed an ethereal pasture – clandestine, ideal and full of gently swaying cannabis trees. Bigfoot took a knee at the head of his garden and placed two white buckets at his feet. As the containers touched the soil, the labels flashed towards us, reading: GreenPlanet Nutrients BackCountry Blend. The team and I have decided to dig in, and continue to document the gardening practices of this creature…Dr. J. Herer, 2021, Scribbled on the back of The Oregonian
Ms. M. Jane’s Report
After a good night’s sleep, we began observing Bigfoot in the early morning. Among other things like cleaning his fur, fishing and smoking funny-smelling cigarettes, his daily duties seem to revolve around tending this secret garden. The buckets he brought up to the garden, now known to us as “BackCountry Blend”, seem to be an advanced and specific fertilizer designed to save the cultivator time and effort in the garden.Ms. M. Jane, 2021, Written in Alex Garland’s, The Beach
His routine is simple but quite effective; here is what we know so far: Bigfoot broadcasts the granular fertilizer BackCountry Blend overtop of his medium at a rate of 0.5-1 teaspoon per foot of plant height, and allows at least 3-5 weeks to pass before enriching the medium again. None of us have ever seen such a simple method of enriching the garden with fertilizer. We now understand the risks taken by the beast to bring BackCountry Blend up the mountain.
Monsieur J. Guy’s Research (Translated in English)
After my colleagues fell asleep, and I ventured further into Bigfoot’s operation. On the buckets labelled, “BackCountry Blend”, there was also a sticker with the price of $45.99. In total, there are three buckets of BackCountry Blend in the garden: Grow, Bloom and Boost, all stickered with the same price. Is it really possible to feed such a garden with only three buckets of slow-release fertilizer? Only time will tell…Monsieur, J. Guy, 2021, Retrieved from a St-Hubert napkin
Mr. R. Simpson’s Journal
We have been here for weeks observing the same, casual routine of Bigfoot. With a garden of my own back home, I must admit, I’m a bit jealous of how easy he makes it look. So, unannounced to my partners, I approached the beast one late afternoon. What a personable fellow! A real down-to-earth guy if you ask me. I told him about our observation of him, but he seems indifferent about the task. He says he’s leaving soon anyway; but before, he wants our help with the garden – whatever that means…Mr. R. Simpson, 2021, Found written in the book Solvent Extraction: Principles and Practice
Again, following the release of these documents, we ask our readers to be on the lookout for Bigfoot and our team of researchers. We are short on leads at the moment; however, there were reports of a group of people, one of which was described as a large, muscular, ape-like man, boarding a plane in the Los-Angeles airport.
It seems that the ape-like man had dropped some literature of some sorts – Bigfoot’s Guide to Gardening Success. We’re sharing our findings in hopes to get to the bottom of this mystery.
Need to get caught up on the discovery of Bigfoot and Backcountry Blend? Read Breaking News: Bigfoot Sighting in the Pacific Northwest.
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